


In These Demon Days (It's So Cold Inside)

by catboy64



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Ow the Edge, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Self-Harm, Self-Insert, Self-Shippy Trash, i can't write dialogue and it shows, might make u cringe 2 deth, shameless fluff, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25868452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catboy64/pseuds/catboy64
Summary: In which Anise has rejection sensitive dysphoria and Lots of Feelings and deals with it the only way he knows how (AKA Very Poorly) and Ford is #1 boyfriend and a sweetheart.(or, i finally do something with my gravity falls hyperfixation and it's a cheesy angsty self-ship fic)
Relationships: Anise Lavenders/Stanford Pines, Stanford Pines/Original Male Character
Kudos: 3





	In These Demon Days (It's So Cold Inside)

➽───────────────❥

The sun was setting into the horizon, leaving the sky in warm shades of red and orange. It was then that Anise Lavenders found himself walking home, alone.

He not too gentle yanked his peach pink hair, trying in vain to get some semblance of control over his spiralling mood.

Ford had cancelled plans to play DD&moreD, and Anise stifled down the immediate gut reaction of anger and betrayal, forcing a smile and telling him it was fine.

And it WAS fine! He deserved time to be with his brother. He was seperated from him for so long, not to mention almost losing him when he sacrificed his mind to defeat Bill. So of course he would be spending more time with him.

'I'm fine, I can deal with this.' Anise told himself over and over as he walked.

But that didn't stop the visceral anger, the dumb lizard part of the half demon's brain practically screaming about how unfair it was every time it happened.

It didn't stop the voice in the dark part of his brain going 'course he would cancel plans.' 'nobody has made you a priority before why start now?'

It was feelings like these that would drive Anise to playing with his lighter, burn some objects he would find. Partly as a distraction, but also as an outlet for his anger, not knowing what else to do with the irrational feeling.

Sometimes, the pinkette would imagine what it be like to leave some burn marks on himself for once. And maybe he would show them to Ford, like a non verbal way of saying 'you hurt me you did this' and maybe then he would care.

Anise hated himself for even thinking such things.

So instead, Anise went to his apartment, listened to the white noise of the television and practically yanked at his own hair in his way of trying to not be angry anymore. And scratching roughly at his scalp when that didn't work, only stopping when he saw his nails come back bloody.

'Jeez, there you go again you dingus...' He thought with a sigh.

➽───────────────❥

Anise's scalp was itchy.

He never told Ford about his scratching, of course. What was he supposed to say?!

'Hey darling, I should tell you that I scratch my head up all bloody because I have abandonment issues and can't communicate my problems like a adult because I'm afraid you'll realize how messed up I really am! Anyway, what's for dinner?' Yeah, not gonna happen.

It's not like there was anything to hide, luckily, all the scabs and scars were hidden under his messy pink locks!

Unfortunately, he was scratching at the scabs subconsciously. He didn't even realize he was doing it until one day Ford had pointed it out.

"Anise, are you alright? You've been scratching your head all day." He had said, not unkindly.

But a part of the half demon had went into panic, afraid of his shameful secret coming to light. It wasn't Ford's pain to bear, after all.

"I'm fine, just a little itchy I guess." He had said, keeping his voice as casual as possible to not cause worry in his partner.

A part of him wanted to tell Ford about all the horrible, terrible feelings he's had, but he knew it would only hurt him.

If the best thing he can do it keep his brain poison to himself, then that's exactly what he'll do.

"Alright, but just promise me you'll tell me if anything's wrong, love." Ford finally said, with a lil bit of concern in his expression.

"I promise." Anise lied.

'But it's okay because it's a lie to protect someone else.' He would later think to himself.

➽───────────────❥

He did a pretty good job of hiding his bad habit from everyone. He managed to stop himself from scratching around, for the most part, despite how much he wanted to.

So of course he would mess it all up somehow.

He wasn't sure how it happened, but one minute he and Ford were just talking, then before he knew it, they had an argument.

It wasn't even a bad one.

It shouldn't have bothered him. Ford had just went on a trip with his brother without telling him. He tried to ignore the hurt bubble up within him, but it had manifested itself as anger.

Ford had been taken aback by Anise's seemingly sudden venom as the pinkette asked what about him... did he not matter anymore?

It was when Ford had said he was acting selfish that Anise felt like a dagger was plunged directly into his heart.

On the outside, the half demon showed little reaction. He simply huffed a "fine" and left quietly.

But internally, he felt his brain become a whirlwind of bad emotions, and just about shut the bathroom door behind him as he went into fetal position to have what he called "a teenage angst moment" alone.

He cursed himself for opening his dumb mouth. He couldn't keep his stupid emotions to himself and now Stanford probably hated him or worse. And he had every right to, he should've never spoken at all.

Without even thinking about it, he had started to tangle his hands in his hair again, pulling and yanking, angry at the world, angry at Ford but mostly angry at himself.

And a part of him knew he was overreacting, but it didn't make the hurt inside him go away. It didn't make the pain of knowing that Ford was angry at him and that he probably will leave him knowing what a immature child he really was.

And wasn't that just the thing that hurt the most. Because Anise was used to most people just seeing him as some eccentric goof that just wouldn't grow up and act like an adult, and if he was ever hurt or sad, well, he was probably just acting out or being dramatic. But the idea that Ford would see him as nothing but an immature brat who's feeling's were as easily disregardable as some used tissue ina garbage can made the half demon want to curl up and hide from the world indefinitely.

As it were, he simply settled for scratching his head again. That seemed like the best course of action.

So caught up in his spiralling thoughts, Anise hadn't heard Ford knocking on the door and asking if everything's alright, or the second time when he started to sound panicked, or the sound of the door opening.

It was only when he felt a pair of hands pull his own away from their place of clawing at his skull with a cry of "Anise, stop! You're hurting yourself!" that finally broke the pinkette out of his negative spiral.

He looked up to see Ford with an expression full of panic, looking on the verge of tears. Anise felt a pang of guilt, knowing he was responsible for making him feel that way.

He wished the floor would devour him right then and there.

"D-darling, I..." Anise began, feeling ashamed at being caught scratching himself. However, Ford stopped him by pulling him into a tight, protective hug.

This made Anise feel guiltier. He hugged Ford back and couldn't stop some tears from escaping as his partner gently combed his hands through his hair.

They sat there like that, with Ford holding onto Anise like he would disappear otherwise, until he broke the silence.

"How long have you been hurting yourself like this?" Ford had asked, trying to keep his voice steady despite panic running through his mind 'How many times has Anise hurt himself this badly? His scalp is covered in scars, so it wasn't the first time. This is my fault this is my fault how could I not have noticed...'

"I-I don't know, but I'm fine..." Anise replied, still feeling guilty, not wanting his beloved partner to worry.

"You were scratching yourself hard enough to cause bleeding, you're not fine!" Ford had shouted, not angry but worried. The pinkette flinched a little, so he took a deep breath and continued.

"Just, please tell me why you were hurting yourself... was it my fault?"

"No, no! It's just me, it's just my stupid brain... I... I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry about me..." Anise had finished quietly, curling in on himself.

"I worry about you because I love you, and if you're hurting then I want you to be able to tell me." Ford had whispered back.

"But, I can't... you shoudn't waste your time on my, my problems aren't that important." Stanford had looked as though he'd been struck.

"Do you really think your problems aren't important to me?" Anise looked at the floor, having no response, but Ford gently lifted his chin with his hand.

"Anise, your problems are important to me... you are important to me. Oh stars, I don't know what made you think you weren't important, but I want you to know that you'll always be important to me, I'm so so sorry if I ever made you feel less than." He spoke gently. Feeling his words might be somewhat cheesy, but not caring. He needed his boyfriend to know how much he meant to him.

"I love you." Anise had said, burying his head in Ford's sweater. He gave the pinkette a kiss on his head.

"And I love you, dear so so much."

➽───────────────❥

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: i've been wanting to write a ventfic featuring my self insert, anise, for a while now. since i've had a few bouts of rsd angst recently i figured "why not write about that?" and *spongebob voice* well, here ya go!
> 
> i got stuck on the end for a while b/c writing dialogue is hard. i could barely get ford to sound in character, and his dialogue still sounds a little off to me, but oh well! thanks for reading, and here's a link to my self ship blog for anyone curious!
> 
> https://femboyhorror.tumblr.com/


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